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Every relationship should be based on honesty and trust,
and Steve was not honest and led Sara to believe that she
could not trust what he told her (at a time that she was vulnerable
due to illness). That alone throws up the first "red
flag" to this relationship.
However, I am also concerned about how Steve lied;
he denied his role and placed the "blame" on
the "other woman". He used a stereotype as old
as humanity by making her an "Eve-temptress".
Of course now Sara will see her as a dangerous "dishonorable,
evil, man-stealing home-wrecking intention[ed]"
woman--because that's how Steve presented her, a
woman who called and "tempted" him.
This is not to say that this couldn't be an okay--or
even good--experience for them, but it should be based
on honesty. As it is said in some circles, "you gotta
own your own emotions", and Steve should own up to
his.
Every relationship should be based on honesty and trust,
and Steve was not honest and led Sara to believe that she
could not trust what he told her (at a time that she was vulnerable
due to illness). That alone throws up the first "red
flag" to this relationship.
However, I am also concerned about how Steve lied;
he denied his role and placed the "blame" on
the "other woman". He used a stereotype as old
as humanity by making her an "Eve-temptress".
Of course now Sara will see her as a dangerous "dishonorable,
evil, man-stealing home-wrecking intention[ed]"
woman--because that's how Steve presented her, a
woman who called and "tempted" him.
This is not to say that this couldn't be an okay--or
even good--experience for them, but it should be based
on honesty. As it is said in some circles, "you gotta
own your own emotions", and Steve should own up to
his.
I've found that it depends upon the agreements that
are made by the primary partners that mostly defines the
direction of certain relationships.
polyamoury vs monogomy is complicated enough as a topic
for most couples. but its extremely important that open
'honest' communication is a continual expectation.
I know some couples recently have had a similar 'lied'
to feeling about contacting others outside their relationship.
it all cases, the person was more upset they were lied-to;
if the main partner has stood up for their feelings, there
could have been a compromise in most situations.
not all relationships can function with this 'close
to home' kind of relationship, so everyone involved
needs the opportunity to be heard, and many times meeting
all parties, just to remove the mythical questions of are-they-better-than-me
or what-are-they-really-like, can help this, depending
on the relationship-dynamic... on the other hand perhaps
sometimes, partners would just rather not-know.
without open discussion however, this kinds of things
cannot be discovered nor resloved before someones expectations
or feelings are hurt.
cheers
+laine+
I would be very upset if Steve had done that with me, really
I would. If I could have an open relationship married/unmarried
like that, that would be too cool but honesty would have
to be there and guys like Steve r not a good thing.
Be real, she was going to let u play anyways so why hide the
truth.
S
I really do'nt understand these types of relationships, why
get married to act like you're still single?? Just
do'nt get it!! Maybe it's boredom with who you're
with or something.I try not to judge. Be open minded.If
I was with a buddy or friend and did this kinda thing that
would be one thing, but be in a serious relationship with
someone I really love and care about, I would'nt want
to share them, I'd be jealous or want to slash tires
or something(NOT GOODDD!!!)
An open marriage, in any variety, requires knowing what
your partner wants and needs to know. There is a thing called
too much information. Trust is another little item...
never lie, never color the truth, be upfront with the facts.
Its not the facts that hurt an open marriage, its the suspicion
of not being told the whole truth. A partner can deal with
the other developing emotional feeling toward the new
lover... they can not deal with doubt.
being in an open relationship, honesty and openness are
key. i lost trust in my husband's exploring because
he lied to me about the level of interest in another woman
-- and i kept explaining that it was the lying that got to
me, but for some reason with this particular woman, he couldn't
seem to stop it. at that point i insisted he stop seeing her.
he hasn't actually ventured into other explorations
with other women since because he doesn't seem to trust
himself anymore... he also feels that the other women he
has explored with do want to tempt him away from me, and that
is a deal-breaker for him.
I am in an semi open relationship - where we let people in
our bed. Now for anything to happen outside of our bed we
have to both be on board. There was a period where my partner
started do ing what steve did - he really did not want to hurt
my feelings - hence why he was omitting things. In the end
he realized he was only making things worse.
I am all for the open relationships at any level a couple
may have it. But you have to be honest. If either of you feel
you have to omit or hide anything then you know it is wrong.
Be honest!!!!
I am in an semi open relationship - where we let people in
our bed. Now for anything to happen outside of our bed we
have to both be on board. There was a period where my partner
started do ing what steve did - he really did not want to hurt
my feelings - hence why he was omitting things. In the end
he realized he was only making things worse.
I am all for the open relationships at any level a couple
may have it. But you have to be honest. If either of you feel
you have to omit or hide anything then you know it is wrong.
Be honest!!!!
well I understand her felings about him lie. I am married
for 32 years and on the swing style for 3. We go as a couple
and I go must of the day if I have a partner by myself but hubby
knows when I go out and with I am with. I have let him go out
alone too, I don't mind at all but girls get scare when
you say that you are married..lol
If my guy went alone with another girl without telling me
that will hurt me a lot, and my trust on him will be shaked.
sounds all to familiar. But it goes beyond just being truthful,
it requires honesty. No ommisions, or spinning things.
My wife and I found ourselves in a similar situation when
we started having others, and while we were both always
(I believe always) truthful, we both thought that full
disclosure wasn't needed, and that first crack in
the foundation of trust is very hard to mend.
this all depends on 2 things the people involved... because
my wife and i were in a semi open relantionship and well now
we are seperated and going through a divorce because we
both pushed the boundries.... the other thing invooved
in this is can she get over the fact that he sought out this
woman if she can things will never be the same..... trust
me I KNOW... thanks for listing all
I WAS WITH A GUY A FEW WEEKS AGO AND HIS WIFE HAD SOMEONE BAIL
ON HER I FELT BAD THAT HERE I AM WITH HER HUBAND AND SHE WAS
READING IN THE LOBBY BUT WHAT I KNOW ABOUT THEM THEY LOVE
EACH OTHER AND THERE VERY OPEN AND HONEST AND I OWE HER A TRIP
TO A MALE STRIP CLUB AND A MASSAGE FOR SHOWING ME THAT BEING
HONEST ALWAYS IS BEST
Good article...Many men fantasize about being in an open
marriage/relationship and not so surprisingly underestimate
the constant work it requires to work successfully. The
key seems to be that the communication that unfolds must
be authentic, connected to feelings, and balanced with
their partner. Additionally, a "marinating"
period needs to occur for each person to process both information
and the feelings they spawn.
I have been in a situation simular
me and my husband are in a open relationship we married young
and had kids we both love eachother dearly but missed out
on the whole "sewing our roots thing" He has
colored the truth once. I talked with him and he addmitted
to liking guys as well as woman. If you are in a marraige you
work things out you understand, forgive and forget. Remembering
that honesty is the best policy.
Thanks for the great article. To be honest, I am more of a
Steve type of guy, as I have never been taught that I am ok
as I am. Now, I realize that I need to take responsibility
to myself, but the question sometimes is how to retrain
yourself.
I live in China and my wife, who I am in the process of leaving
is Chinese. In China telling a white lie to protect someone
is like believing in equality in the US, it is ingrained
in this society. While I never cheated on my wife during
our time together, I was dishoest about who I was and was
meeting other people on-line who became friends. I just
could not admit it, because this was not accpetable to her.
When I talked about this with Chinese women nearly 90% of
them told me never to share my true feelings with my wife.
If I was going to cheat, just cheat, but don't admit
it. For them, in this society that it considered good.
Still, for me I know that when I am out of integrity, I suffer.
My first marriage failed because I could not allow myself
to be who I am, a sexually active bi man. I will take from this
and from your article and begin working on learning to be
honest, and finding someone who loves me for who I am fully.
The best part of the article was actually the comments.
It made me realize how many people there are out there who
have or are open to the type of relationship I want to have.
I will not deny who I am again..
Thanks all..
We have a somewhat open ralationship. We are both allow
with other woman at any point in time however, she is not
allow (and WANTS NOTHING to do with) other men. we both know
our limits. the only requirement that we have is that we
tell one another after it happens we don't wants to
find out from someone else.
I've always felt that this is a very dangerous area
for couples to enter. It's easy to guess how you will
feel after you have taken the plunge, but sometimes what
we think will happen and what does happen are very different
things. By all means, be entirely open with your partner
and hopefully they with you, but the pitfalls are many so
take things very slow.
Wow this opens up a can of worms, doesn't it???
Yeah yeah be honest and open with each other... We get that.
What people really need to do is be honest with themselves.
Steve knew instinctively that what he was doing was wrong
and Sara was in denial.
If you can't be honest with yourself, you can't
be honest with anyone.
An excellent article which leads me to my comments.
I was in such a relationship but instead of coming out with
it I chose to 'hide' it from my wife. Needless to
say she found out and what upset her more than the fact that
I had a woman was my inability or unwillingness to be open
and honest with her about it. I
In hindsight I see taht I should have done just that.
Rcently we are talking about swinging and now taht I am open
and talking and discussuing she is more responsive and
participatory.
So honesty and openess are the cornerstones of a relationship
and if you are thinking of alternative activities then
this is even more important.
An excellent article which leads me to my comments.
I was in such a relationship but instead of coming out with
it I chose to 'hide' it from my wife. Needless to
say she found out and what upset her more than the fact that
I had a woman was my inability or unwillingness to be open
and honest with her about it. I
In hindsight I see taht I should have done just that.
Rcently we are talking about swinging and now taht I am open
and talking and discussuing she is more responsive and
participatory.
So honesty and openess are the cornerstones of a relationship
and if you are thinking of alternative activities then
this is even more important.
An excellent article which leads me to my comments.
I was in such a relationship but instead of coming out with
it I chose to 'hide' it from my wife. Needless to
say she found out and what upset her more than the fact that
I had a woman was my inability or unwillingness to be open
and honest with her about it. I
In hindsight I see taht I should have done just that.
Rcently we are talking about swinging and now taht I am open
and talking and discussuing she is more responsive and
participatory.
So honesty and openess are the cornerstones of a relationship
and if you are thinking of alternative activities then
this is even more important.
This article is the perfect example of how
fragile we really are. Even though you think you've
got it all figured out, "life" finds a way to
trip you up. In the case of Steve and Sara, Steve wasn't
honest, and Sara's trust in him was shaken. Trust isn't
won over easily, but can disappear with a whisper. Total
honesty and open communication are essential for building
any healthy relationship.
However, I'm presently indulging my belief in polyamory,
and am intersested in hearing more testiments from people
who have experience this field.
Here's a good link to a better understanding of polyamory.
http://AdultFriendFinder.com
The author, Tristan Taormino, has stated the following
very important points that also apply to “swinging relationships”:
“…For open relationships to work, there must be open
communication and people need to take responsibility
for their desires and their behavior. Steve knew this intellectually,
but was acting emotionally.”
“…I trust that my partner will select someone who will respect
our relationship as primary and priority number one.
However, sometimes lust gets in the way of someone’s better
judgment. I always trust my instincts when I meet a new person,
and if I smell drama, distrust, or bad boundaries, I let
my partner know. Sara should have the opportunity to do
the same.”
“…The important thing is not to repeat some of the all too
common mistakes that they made right off the bat. Don’t
sugar coat or distort the truth in order to make someone
feel better. Don’t assume you know how your partner will
react to something before you give them a chance to do so.
Don’t say yes to something without meaning it. Do assert
your needs in the situation. Do respect each other and the
rules you’ve set up. Do be honest with yourself and your
partner about your feelings and your actions.”
The only item that I would add to the article is that the communication
needs to be ongoing with constant assessment as to where
the couple is with their feelings -- today!
This was a very good article, and helped
Libra Angel
me understand better the relationship my lover is in. My
lover has an open marriage. I think it is neat. She knows
everytime we meet and he said anytime they are with someone
else they always ask how it was. I think the best thing about
this is that she has met me before, one time, but a few months
before I began sleeping with her husband. I just wonder
what would happen if eeling were to develope between one
of them and someone they meet with regularly. I can tell
you my lover and I have a lot in common, a lot of the same interests,
however I am in no way interested in taking him from his wife,
after one badly failed marriage and another one that is
ending(I am currently married but it is long past time ot
get out of it and I will be out of it soon), I do not want to live
with man ever again. So this seems like the perfect relationship
to me, I can live on my own, alone, have a really good friend
with great benefits, and then I can send him home for someone
else to deal with. My lover and I are planning on doing a few
other things together besides sex, so can see this becomong
a permanent thing and I hope to be able to become friends
with his wife one day. This article was good and helped me
see what he deals with being in an open marriage like that.
If he's already having an open relationship, I guess
he must be really confused & had to lie about the situation.
Either that or he's genuinely attracted to the new
lady more than he cares to admit ... even to himself.
If you're going to have an open relationship, honesty
is definitely required to keep that relationship intact.
Honesty is ultimately important, for trust. Sara and Steve
should have talked about this possibility BEFORE it happened.
While it's understandable that the situation fell
outside the accepted and normal boundaries, there's
no question that such a situation would come up. We, as a
couple, understand that there will be no hookups or meetings,
either together or separate, without the prior approval
of the other. Sometimes, all that involves is a phone call,
and other times it involves a full, face-to-face meeting
between all 3 people. This depends on the "vibes"
the other party (the one not involved) is getting or feeling.
I always said if I was to marry again I would have an open marriage
and to me that means I am fine with him going out and screwing
other women just be "OPEN" and tell me about
it first, I feel if you are dishonest about it then in a sense
you are cheating, I mean she gave him the thumbs up why lie???
The one thing we don't agree with in this otherwise
great article is: We trust each other enough not to have
to subject a potential other someone to interviewing to
see whether this person respects the primary relationship.
If an error of judgment occurs, it can only be a momentary
thing, neither of us are blind!
The need for this article speaks volumes. I can relate to
the aspect of meeting the other partner too. I found out
that after I met my GF partner and became occasional friends,
that she was lying to him. It was soon after he stopped seeing
her. So being honest not only in your primary relationship
and secondary is soooo needed for the total "open
relationship" to work. It was after he stopped seeing
her that she acknowleded that honesty does pay. Go Figure
it takes a mistake to learn.
My Wife and I have a "somewhat" open relationship
after 16 years of marriage (18 months of open playing in
general). We don't lie, in that we don't see another
person w/out opening it up for discussion 1st, we don't
initiate the contact with others but accept open requests
for our fun (Separately)(my wife is hot!!!), tried for
a short period co-mingling with others, didn't work.
We also have a rule about too much information. Don't
over-do it, that can lead to "lying" in trying
to protect his/her feelings. Doesn't always work
perfectly, there have been some feelings hurt (unintentionally),
an occasional tear, etc, but we never lie when answering
the others question. Oh, and our outside liasions can't
ever call us at home or work. Cell phones, specified times/places
for calls. Also these people involved in our liasions cannot
be family, friends, or a personal friends. And sometimes
this doesn't work for us and we both withdraw from outside
activity w/others for a time. My wife is my priority in life,
however, on occasion, I have taken time with another woman,
when it would have been smarter to have been at home. And
the same has happened to her. We are honest w/each other
about these tims, but again, we neither one give tons of
information. I don't ask for fear of looking an emotional
"maw in the teeth, " and she feels the same.
We have also been fortunate enough to have stopped anything
that weighs out current relationship down.
I am pretty sure that there has been a time or two that she
has felt the need (and possibly lust) to get "happy"
when the opportunity arose, no pun intended or denied.
She is a very hot lady and for me to expect her to go thru life
w/out being propositioned is a fairy tale. And I don't
expect her to go thru life without the right to indulge if
she so desires. JUST BE HONEST. We are surviving quite nicely.
D & D
Honesty is the best policy but this article hits on the crux
of the matter - what to do if one partner is honest and one
is not. Communication here is the most essential bit, knowing
the partner as well as yourself to bring honesty regardless
of how difficult is entirely the best result - dealing with
honest fact and moving on helps any relationship whatever
it is you both are dealing with. Problems shared are indeed
problems halved if this is followed.
I couldn't have agreed more with this article. The
thing about cheating that has always angered me are the
lies and deception that are always involved, NOT the sex.
The thing is, anyone can get sex pretty easily, but a relationship
take real work, sacrafice, commitment, communication,
compromise, etc., but most of all, it must have trust &
honesty. You know what they say... we live, we learn. [SIZE
4]
while i don't have alot of experience with being in
an open relationship... I would have to say that the who
called who conflict is somewhat spliting hairs and the
FIB, i'll say, in this case shouldn't be much of
a surprise... the surprise should be her reaction... has
the openness of their relationship ran it's course?
if an open relationship is encourged, it shouldn't
need to be perfect in how connections are made...why should
it matter who contacted who... if it does maybe to consider
not being so open, but, atleast admit you have a problem...
and not shove your insecurity on to your parner...
Good article, good advice. My hubby has a look no touch policy,
but after looking and fantasizing, we have wild sex over
the though of how she would be in bed. The fantasy is usually
better than the reality, some super hot girls are boring
as they wait for entertain, in our adventure we turn their
inner slut loose and have a ball, or 2, or 3, or more. ;-)
I think that people need to fully understand that
no matter how much they trust their partners, open
relationships add many variables to the equation.
Remember that many make the decision to have an
open relationship after a period in a normal
relationship. Remember that the dynamics are
different when there are other people involved.
This was a really good article. As one part of a couple, I
would like to add that we have an open relationship. We both
have enough love and trust in one another to maintain this
open relationship. We keel our relationship totally honest
and very forthcoming. He knows when I go off and play with
someone else and I know when he goes and plays with someone
else. We also have other couples that we do play with together.
Our honesty between us is what has kept our relationship
so strong. We both have been in other situations where we
were cheated upon by our our ex's and know how it feels.
One of our base rules in our relationship is honesty to build
the trust between us. This has made our relationship strong
and allowed us to keep it going.
Hi Everyone. with that out of the way.
Based on the understanding and trust of your partner. The
fact that things are alway changing. But the willingness
for understanding your partners sex drive. In the story
wrote here. There was already a understanding of an open
relationship. The changes was a local person and the fact
that his wife or partner was not interested at the time and
giving a green light. Yes he should have said it was the third
party that started it. But the understanding is that both
party had strong sex drives. He may have had some reason
to hold back details. It not up to me. But she all really knew
of his sex drive. Yes I believe he should have know that he
would have gotten a green light anyway. But it is also good
that she is going to meet the third person as well. It all
trust and understanding. All relationship need two understanding
partners to make anything work. The willingness to understanded
can make the world and relatetionships a better thing.
See you all on line or closer :D RodKnocking4U
hi if you enter into an open fun loving thing then you have
to go with the rules you both have set out, but you have to
talk to each other and both know what you can or can't
do if you love each other you will know what is right for each
other, Hope yous have fun in the future and don't look
at the past to much. good luck
To start great article.A relationship takes real work,
sacrarfice, commitment, communication, compromise,
trust, honesty, respect and both need to take responsibility
for their desires. Before you say yes to something you both
need time to think about it and really talk about it. If you
allow your partner to do something, you need to know how
you are going to feel when it is done and over. Lies and mistrust
come from jealousy open communication keeps jealousy
out of the picture.And if you have to lie about it chances
are you shouldnt be doing it. If you lie to save feelings
the feelings are hurt more in the long run cause of the lie.
In an open relationship you must be open and honest about
everything, both parties need to feel safe within each
other.
I know. Honesty should be the only policy. But, he was just
being a guy. Not that he does this all the time or even all
guys but every now and then a guy will do something like this
and make a dumb unintentional mistake. Now come on, he's
generally sorry. But they did have an open relationship
and shouldn't he be able to pursue another as long as
he's open? etc...
I think that this couple is playing with fire by having ongoing
relationships with people outside of their union. Having
sex with another person once or twice if both people in the
couple are ok with it is fine, but when you start having emotional
relationships with other people then you're inviting
trouble into your own relationship.
this is and awesome article, it really comes down to honesty
but i like how in the article steve was dishonest to protect
her and himself. men do lie, and sometimes women get it mixed
up when really all men are tryin to do is protect their loved
one... but it does go both ways. if i was sara so what if your
too sick to have sex, why cant steve bring back this girl
and let sara watch??
I aggree and understand where Sara is coming from. I thought
at one point when I was in my last relationship that I could
share my man, but he ruined all trust I had for him by lying
repeatedly about women. That's the number one mistake
in a relationship, I think. If u can't communicate
your desires and needs w/eachother open and honestly-how
will u ever make it.
In an open marriage, there are sometimes bumps in the road
so to speak. If both ate completly honest with each other
from the beginning and always keep the truth door open, there
is less hurt, or a painful end to something that could be
treasured and you might not find another partner, so opened
mined to share the fun! So be honest or ya loose!
When you confront somebody for lying about some innocuous
thing, they always miss the point. They think you're
giving them shit about what they did, when in fact it's
only lying about it that was the problem. But by then it's
usually too late to explain that to them because they're
no longer responding to reason; they're just being
defensive. As long as they don't react like that and
they admit they were wrong for lying, you've got a winner.
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i think it depends on the person.